One more suckish poem added for YWS! And once more, tear it up!
And just so everyone knows, I was reading something on the internet the other day about people who cut themselves and their views on things which is where I got this idea.
I thought 'Hey, why not write a poem about this' and so here it is!
My Heroin
Pain,
is like a drug for me.
I just can't get enough of it.
The feeling hurts,
but it keeps my mind off the other things bothering me.
Pain,
is like a drug for me.
It makes everything better.
As if all of my problems slip away after each cut.
Pain,
is like a drug for me.
Pain.
Exactly my brand of heroin.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
I liked the repetition, but I thing more detail is needed. The pain of the person speaking isn't clearly illustrated, and in poems dealing with something this personal the pain is the key element. Try adding a bit more to make the poem more personal.
Keep writing
~Wynnyr
Hmmmm... I didn't realize I spelled it wrong, that's what I get for writing this at like three in the morning...
I am a HUGE fan of repetition. If you've seen any of my poetry, you'd know that I am! However, it seems as if this whole poem crutches on it and is composed mostly of it.
Try adding more depth. It'd help a lot!
Adrian
First of all. It was very short. Second, you didn't show me the pain. You didn't let me feel it and that is a downfall. It was boring and my imagination didn't even switch on.
You didn't really work hard on this, did you?
It was completely unimaginative! This is a good idea, but the poem insults it. This poem is going to need more emotion, more explaining and so forth. This poem must be so realistic, that I must be this person who enjoys pain. I must imagine how the pain feels. This didn't do it for me.
Like Jiggity said. Do you mean the drug "heroin" or the hero version "heroine?"
Do you mean heroin? As in the drug, or heroine? As in the female hero?
I found the repetition of 'Pain is like a drug to me' to be boring and unimaginative. It's not a particularly arresting simile to begin with; repeat it a few times and it becomes even less.
This poem did nothing for me. It was mostly you telling me what pain does for you. I didn't see it, didn't feel it, wasn't sympathetic, nothing.
I think you need to expand on the notion, add character to it, make us care about said character and you need it to do it with better imagery and prose.
Cheers